Wondering Never Helped Much
by Dawnstep
Summary: Drabbly-oneshot-thing. Kind of dark, lots of onesided/repressed love. RoyEd, AlWin and a little onesided EdWin.


_He sometimes wondered _why he didn't believe in God; after all, didn't he have his own personal angel right here with him, at all times? Wasn't he cared for far more than the monster he was should have been? How did it make sense to give an atheist such a lovely creature, pure and kind and burning like a little brand of fire? It didn't. It didn't, and so he wondered, but he never gave it as much thought as he should have.

_He sometimes wondered _how it was possible for one person to be so entirely pure and loving, never protecting for himself, always sacrificing everything for others. Somehow he was so warm, and gentle, but also so fierce and protective and scalding. Somehow he was angry one moment and loving the next. Somehow he was brighter than any human had the right to shine. Somehow he was.

_He sometimes wondered _what it would feel like to touch that satiny skin, metal still embedded at the shoulder, and run his fingers through that shimmering golden hair, and pull himself close to that toned, shorter-than-average body. He wanted that feeling; he wanted to know those sensations. He wanted to see those clean gold eyes staring into his at all hours. He wanted to wake up with that head against his chest every day of his life and see that lovely, glorious person late at night as he drifted off and first thing in the morning as he returned from dreamland. He wanted, but he could never act on that desire.

-x-

_He sometimes wondered _why he'd been blessed so, and yet cursed so at the same time. From the time he was twelve, much of his life revolved around one person. Well, two people, really; after all, his brother could not be forgotten. It was just that he'd spent almost all of his life with Alphonse, so that felt more natural; but he was brand-new, freshly introduced to his world. And yet his days were spent wrapped up in him, whether that translated to hours spent in the office or weeks off on missions or minutes spent entertaining stupid, pointless dreams; actually, fantasies, because they were so much less plausible then even dreams. And yet he cherished them.

_He sometimes wondered _what hid under the carefully-constructed mask. After all, he'd seen flashes, however brief, of the true man, so he knew the cold, steely exterior was not the truth. However, that begged the question 'what was?' He wasn't sure- for that matter he wasn't even making guesses- but something, be it instinct or understanding or chance, told him that it was much more like the bands of heat that he so effortlessly created than the stony mask he wore. There was so much more there, he told himself, so much more than ambitions and non-emotions and the occasional perverse comment. There had to be, because if there wasn't, what had he fallen in love with?

_He sometimes wondered _if this fantasy he longed for could ever reach fruition. He doubted it; things like that simply didn't happen. He was an alchemist, he didn't believe in miracles and fluff and happy dreams and, for that matter, happily-ever-afters. He had once, and where had that landed him? In a half-metal body with a tin can holding his brother's soul to the earth, that's where. So no, he told himself, no; it was much better to sit back and dream occasionally the chance of the dreams. No, he would pretend, and lock away the real pretending in a cold box somewhere deep in the back of his mind.

-x-

_He sometimes wondered_ about his brother; occasionally he would look up from his research or his reading or whatever it was he was doing and, instead of finding Nii-san's head buried in a book as it so often was, he would catch a snippet of a happy, dreamy expression and warm eyes, looking off to the side with his head resting on his palm, sometimes- though he wouldn't admit it to anyone, save for potentially to blackmail Ed in the future- even twirling a stray blond hair around a gloved automail finger as a languid smile washed over his face. But then Edward would look back at him, sensing or hearing or perhaps seeing the change in position, and blush ever-so-lightly before immediately turning back to his book. However, he put those thoughts out of his mind, trying to ignore them or, if they did come up, passing it off as momentary distraction and turning the blush into a trick of the light. They had no place in his world, and they worried him the tiniest bit, so he ignored them in favor of the Ed he knew.

_He sometimes wondered_ about those two. He told himself it was only natural, they'd grown up together and Ed was injured and of course Winry would hug him that tightly, they were practically siblings! But it never worked; he always ended up worrying about it while his brother slumbered, trying to convince himself that if there was anything going on- which there wasn't, of course, he was being silly!- Ed would have told him, or Winry would, or at the very least Pinako would've said something, right? And he could never understand why it bothered him so much, anyway. Why should he care if his brother and his childhood friend were dating? It was none of his business, really. And it didn't matter; he was happy for them, if that was the case, wasn't he? He was pleased Ed was finally settling down a bit, wasn't he? He was most decidedly cheerful at the thought of them being in love, wasn't he? Wasn't he? Wasn't he?

_He sometimes wondered _about the Colonel. Perhaps it was just his imagination, but there was something… mildly unsettling about the way his gaze would linger longer than was necessary on Ed, and how his eyes would flick up whenever Ed moved, and how when he thought no one was looking- because no one but him _was_ looking- he would stare unabashedly at him, tracing down his body in a way that made Al decidedly uncomfortable for his Nii-san's sake. But he passed it off as his eyes playing tricks on him, or just the Colonel being concerned about a comrade- even though most of the time it wasn't when Ed was injured-or… or… or something. Anything, really, would have comforted him as long as it wasn't the nagging suspicion that lurked deep in his mind, telling him things he didn't want to hear.

-x-

_She sometimes wondered_ if it was something that was her fault. Perhaps she wasn't good enough, or she said something wrong, or she didn't spend enough time with him. Or maybe she shouldn't have hit him so often. Or… or maybe she yelled too much. Or she was to overbearing. Or maybe she… she… she dressed too plainly. Or didn't brush her hair enough. Or talked too much. Or wasn't gentle enough. Or… wasn't a guy. That was the thought she always eventually ended up at. She knew that was probably wrong. There probably weren't any grounds for that- just because he'd never shown any interest in girls didn't make him gay. Neither did the fact that occasionally, if she watched with great interest and care, she noticed his eyes lingering just a bit too long on men… well, one man in particular. But just because he watched that Colonel Mustang with eyes she knew she'd looked at Edward with, many times, and just because he reacted with amplified emotions to anything the man did, and just because he'd left home at the age of twelve to join the Colonel's command… it didn't mean he _loved_ him, right? This w as Ed. Her Ed. There was just no way, she told herself; and so she believed.

_She sometimes wondered_ if there was something wrong with Alphonse. It seemed like every time she saw him, he was flustered and quiet in turns. She wondered if Edward was putting them both under too much stress, and just not showing it himself. After all, Ed was older, and more used to the high-stress lifestyle; it was only normal that Al should show more of the signs. She worried quietly about his health, but didn't voice her concern; she trusted his brother to take care of him, as he had for most of both of their lives. So she went on her way, not overly concerned, but had she known what was truly wrong perhaps she would have.

_She sometimes wondered_ if she could have changed what happened. Perhaps it was her own fault that her heart ended up shattered; perhaps the only reason what happened did was because she wasn't good enough, or she moved too slowly, or she wasn't clear enough. Perhaps the only reason that she walked in on them- that there was anything to walk in on- that they were together in the first place was that she missed the clear signs- that she couldn't stop it- that she was too slow. She wasn't good enough- wasn't careful enough- wasn't male enough. She couldn't stop it- it was hopeless- he never loved her. She loved him- she hated him- she missed him. She was jealous- was mad- was numb. She wanted what she couldn't have, because it was never hers to want.

-x-

_They never wondered_ what would happen if they were found out. That was a silly idea, they said, they were careful, they were quiet, they snuck through the shadows. There was just no way they could be discovered, because (for one thing) the only people besides Ed who had the key to his apartment were Al, Winry, and now Roy, and (for another) _no one_ besides Roy and Ed had the keys to Roy's house, not even Lieutenant Hawkeye. So they convinced themselves that they were safe, though they wondered (sometimes) why they needed to hide anyway; but still, hide they did. And so they weren't prepared for the inevitable.

_They never wondered_ what would happen if no one really cared… or, more precisely, the only person who cared and (more importantly) hadn't found out were to be the one who walked in on them. It was mostly good, they supposed, though Roy couldn't help but be jealous of the girl as Ed ran after her, still shirtless, trying to comfort her, and Ed couldn't help but be shocked and dismayed that he'd hurt her, even if he didn't really understand it. Yes, mostly good, and as Ed was no longer a state alchemist, but instead taking up freelance alchemy, there wasn't really anything to worry about; now that they'd been discovered, they were even able to move for good into Roy's house and no one raised any eyebrows. It was in the shadows, however, that she lurked, still depressed and alone and cursing her _stupidstupidstupid_ self, until one day Al caught on and even that dimmed away. They were happy, and she was happy enough, and Al was certainly happy, and somehow something told them that their happiness was a rare thing in the world and was to be treasured. So they did, as best they could at any rate, what with being the occasionally stupid creatures they were, as men and a rather romantically challenged girl.

-END

-x-x-x-x-

…what can I say? The plot attacked me. o3o So, um, review please? Thanks for reading~!


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